AbuseAccountabilityAddictionAngerAnxietyBiblical CounselingBoundariesChronic Pain and IllnessSeasons of DisappointmentGrief and LossKids and TechnologyMarriageMedication and DiagnosisParenting in a PandemicReading the BibleRepentanceSelf-Injury or Self-HarmSinglenessStressSuicideThoughtsTraumaWhen to See a Counselor

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SEASONS OF DISAPPOINTMENT

For many the winter months our discouraging time. The colder weather and shorter days can usher in seasonal depression and leave you feeling discouraged and alone. Today MBC’s director of counseling, Eliza Huie is talking about two things to help you when you experience seasons of discouragement.

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KIDS AND TECHNOLOGY

Parents today find technology is a blessing and a burden. It helps life in many practical ways but it opens up a world of new and difficult challenges to navigate. Here are four tips for parents to consider when thinking about kids and technology.

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SELF-INJURY OR SELF-HARM

Resource: “Help! My Teen is Self-Injuring | A Crisis Manuel for Parents” by Dr. Mark Mayfield

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READING THE BIBLE

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BOUNDARIES

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BIBLICAL COUNSELING

If I think a secular counselor would be helpful, what is the best way to find one? Talk to biblical counselors, your pastor, or a trusted Christian friend. They often know secular counselors and psychiatrist that other believers have used. You can also ask your insurance company but then review the bios of the providers and consider doing a phone interview before choosing one.

What are red flags should I look for if I have to see a secular counselor? Always read their bio and see what their emphasis in care is. Avoid counselors who affirm or state beliefs on topics contrary to Christian faith. If a counselor denigrates your faith in any way that is a red flag.

Is there anything specific I should do in preparation for seeing a secular counselor? Let them know right from the start that you are a Christian and that your faith is an important part of your life. Ask them what their model of practice is and consider how it fits or contradicts with God’s word.

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THOUGHTS

It has been said that no one talks to you more than you do to yourself. Our thoughts are influencing us all day long. It is very important to tell yourself the truth. The whole truth. In today’s video we discuss the activity of expanding your thoughts through the AWE exercise. The next time you are bombarded with thoughts that are discouraging or difficult as yourself the AWE question: And What Else. What else is true? What truth about God’s character do you need to hold on to? What promise that is yours in Christ will help you right now? How has God been faithful in the past? Dwell on those things and let it lead you to awe!

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ACCOUNTABILITY

We all need help and accountability is one way we help and support each other. But there is good and bad accountability. Here is the difference.

Good accountability is: Honest, Frequent, Local, Tough

Bad accountability is: Immature, Narrow Minded, Inconsistent, Graceless, Faithless

Proverbs 16:16-17 says, “How much better to get wisdom the gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver. The highway of the upright turns aside from evil; whoever guards his way preserves his life.” Let this motivate you if it seems like it would be helpful to include accountability as a part of your own life.

How often should I meet with someone for accountability? Meet regularly and establish the regularity at the start. But choose a regularity that is reasonable for your season of life and your schedule. Once you decide on a regularity commit to it for several months. Adjust as needed but the more structure you can put on it at the start the more likely you will stay regular.

Does my accountability partner need to be a Christian? Yes- As a believer having accountability is about walking in the wisdom of the Lord. Your accountability partner should be someone who demonstrates maturity in this area.

Can my church group be where I get accountability? Yes! Your church group is a great place to find Christian accountability. Your group can support you as a whole as you share openly with them for prayer and encouragement. You can also ask someone from your church group to walk more closely with you. This is a great way to make sure your accountability is with someone who sees you regularly.

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ABUSE

Good resources for someone who has been sexually abused (as a child by family member)? Good books/podcasts about mental and spiritual abuse or manipulation?

How do I help the victim of abuse retrieve their belongings? Contact the police when safety is an issue in retrieving belongings. Consider sending a supportive friend to retrieve needed belonging. Church families can also help by purchasing needed belongings while separation is needed due to violence or abuse.

Some victims of abuse may take longer to leave than desired. How can I be of support? Learn as much as you can about abuse and the effects of abuse. Be supportive and encouraging. Don’t push or pressure but be a consistent friend. Faithfully pray for your friend and for you that God would give you wisdom and compassion. Don’t grow weary while doing good (Gal. 6:9).

How do we heal from spiritual and emotional abuse? Understand the heart of God toward the abused and oppressed. The book of Jeremiah is a good place to start. See Jeremiah 6:6-8, Jeremiah 9:6-11 and Jeremiah 22. Let a biblical understanding of God’s heart toward the oppressed affirm to you that what happened was wrong and displeasing to God. Get counseling with a trained biblical counselor who can walk with you as you process your past and help you as you walk toward healing. Stay close to the Lord and His people as a means of support and direction.

What if abuse is reported and nothing is being done. How do you help/What do you say? If abuse is reported to the police, the adult victim will need to decide if they want to press charges or file a suit which will then determine next steps. If the victim decides they do not want to move forward with doing anything, you can encourage them that being safe in their home is a reasonable expectation.  Reach out to a pastor, biblical counselor, or contact the domestic violence hotline for help in knowing how to support and care for someone in an abusive relationship: Domestic violence hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/

How can I tell if I am I an emotionally abusive relationship? What does an emotionally abusive relationship entail? “Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior that promotes a destructive sense of fear, obligation, shame, or guilt. It may take the form of neglecting, frightening, isolating, belittling, exploiting, blaming, shaming, or threatening a victim, as well as playing mind games or lying. For example:

  • Constantly disregarding, ignoring, or neglecting a victim and their needs
  • Telling a victim that they are mentally unstable or incompetent
  • Isolating a victim from their family or community

Emotional abuse can also be referred to as verbal and mental abuse.” From Is It Abuse? by Darby A. Strickland

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REPENTANCE

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TRAUMA

At what point in a dating relationship should you disclose past trauma you’ve experienced? Deciding when to share your story of trauma is always your choice. It should be shared with someone you trust and with someone who will encourage you in your path of healing. If your relationship exhibits these qualities it could indicate that sharing your story may be helpful.

How can I help my daughter (now 24) who when thru trauma in college? Didn’t realize it at the time. Being supportive is one of the best ways to help someone who has experienced trauma. Be careful not to push or require someone to get help. Instead, be a consistent friend who can gently point out some options and resources that may help.

Do you ever recover? Recovery or healing should be thought of as a process rather than an end point. Healing is possible but on this earth, wounds sometimes remain. While we wait for heaven we will experience healing and the trauma can move from being aching injuries to sensitive memories. But one day we know that our God will wipe away every tear- Revelation 21:4

How to help someone with childhood trauma as an older adult? When someone has repeated trauma in childhood they could be suffering from Complex Trauma. It is important that they talk with an experienced counselor to consider how childhood trauma is impacting them as an adult. When looking for a counselor look for someone who is trauma informed or trauma trained. As believers we can help someone remember who they are in Christ. Their past is not what defines them. Continue to support them with your friendship and prayers.

Should you be counted out of missionary work if you have experienced trauma? Trauma is not a disqualifier for mission work. But it is an area you will want to address openly before leaving for the mission field. Establishing a good connection with a counselor before you leave can be helpful. That way once you are on the mission field you have that connection should anything arise.

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SUICIDE | PART 1

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number is 800-273-8255. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

How do you cope with the anxiety of living with a loved one who has been suicidal? This situation can produce a rollercoaster of emotions. Confusion, guilt, helplessness, anxiety, or even anger are all normal. The anxiety can be relentless, making you wonder if something horrible is about to happen. It is important to take care of you. Talk regularly to a trusted friend who will remind you of God’s faithfulness and power. Spend time in the Word and prayer to keep your thoughts oriented to the promises of the Scripture. Be supportive to your loved one but avoid feeling like you are the only one responsible. Part of your care for them is pointing them to others who can walk with them as well.

How can we lean on God to get us through tough times?
1. Steady your thoughts- Direct your thoughts away from the struggle and onto God’s promises. (Psalm 121:1)
2. Pray real prayers- Cry out to God with whatever is on your heart. (2 Chronicles 20:12)
3. Lean on fellow believers- God never intended you to do this alone. (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
4. Know you are not alone- God is with you. (Psalm 46:1)

How to care for a friend going through depression?
DO
* Pray and encourage them with Truth.
* Listen and be present.
* Help them find a counselor.
* Offer to help with specific daily things.
* Attend to your own needs. Good self-care and boundaries are important.

DON’T DO
* Grow weary and give up.
* Take things personally.
* Assume you know what they need.
* Minimize or dismiss their experience.
* Lean on your own understanding. Get input.

What causes someone to commit suicide? There is no one answer. But some common reasons include:
* Mental illness
* Chronic illness, or terminal illness
* Hopelessness
* Belief that they are a burden to others
* Substance abuse
* Greif and/or Regret
* Impulsivity
* Traumatic situations or abuse

 

SUICIDE | PART 2

Can you go to heaven if you commit suicide? What gives us entrance to heaven is placing our belief and trust in Jesus. Believers in Jesus still sin and His blood covers our sin, even the sin of taking a life. So while it is terrible and heartbreaking it is not unforgiveable.

How can we remind people there is no shame in getting help for these thoughts? Encouraging people that thoughts of wanting to give up on life can be a normal part of living in a very broken world. The fact that the Bible doesn’t shame people for these thoughts is great encouragement. God desires to meet us in our suffering. One reason He has put us in community because sometimes He uses others to help us when we struggle.

When working with a psychiatrist it is good to share openly the importance of your faith. Here are a few questions you can ask when working with a psychiatrist:

  • What is your philosophy of practice?
  • What role do you see that a person’s faith plays into their mental health?
  • Will you have any concerns if my counselor is faith-based?
  • Is my diagnosis an area of expertise for you?
  • What is the expected outcome with and without medication.
  • How will I know if it’s working and what are the side effects?
  • What are the alternatives to medicine?
  • Who else should be involved in my care?
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WHEN TO SEE A COUNSELOR

I just started seeing a counselor. I am not sure it is a good fit. What should I do? I encourage people to give it three times before making the decision to continue or find a new counselor. It takes time to get to know each other. If you are struggling to connect with your counselor the best thing you can do is to actually talk about that in the counseling room. Often that can be the conversations that helps turn the corner on your relationship.

Should a Christian see a secular counselor? Whenever possible I encourage people to see a counselor who shares your faith. Since much of what you will discuss has to do with the most important things in your life, care that is deeply connected to what you believe is going to be most helpful. In addition biblical counselors are trained to bring Scripture in ways that are helpful and encouraging.

When should I encourage a friend to see a counselor? If you notice ongoing difficulty in their life, unhealthy coping patterns, or if you notice significant changes in their disposition or outlook on life, counseling can be helpful.  If you believe their life or safety is as risk get help immediately through emergency services.

What is counseling? Counseling is something we all do! In its simplest form it is conversations that give guidance, advice, or perspective in order to help someone walk through the challenges of life. Biblical counseling is anchored to the truth of God’s Word. Professional counseling is done by someone who has expert training in the complexities of human suffering.

What do you do when someone near you could benefit from counseling but doesn’t want to go?

  • Continue to be supportive and empathetic.
  • Become informed on the issues they are suffering with and who may be able to provide counseling for this issue.
  • With sensitivity to words and timing, offer help.
  • Let them know it is normal to need help.
  • Be patient and don’t force or pressure them.
  • Set boundaries that may be needed if care is resisted.
  • Get help for yourself if they continue to refuse help.

When someone is getting married, is it good to see a counselor? Yes! This is a wise way to invest in your marriage. When you take the time to talk through important topics before you get married you lay the groundwork for navigating conversations in your future.

Having an issue with a friend who wants to end his life; how do we handle this lovingly? This is something to take very serious. Whenever anyone who is a threat to themselves needs to receive emergency medical attention. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline can be a helpful resource for anyone struggling with this. The hotline number is 1-800-273-8255.

Is it usually hard to open up to someone you barely know? How do I open up with a counselor? Counselors are skilled in asking questions that are helpful but not intrusive. Let this pressure be on the counselor not on you and then trust the process. It takes time to get for both of you to get to know one another.

Where can I find a Christian counselor? You can visit mcleanbible.org/counseling or email [email protected] for help getting connected with a Christian counselor.

What do you do if your spouse is not open to marriage counseling? The answer is similar to a question shared earlier. One additional thing to consider when the reluctant person is your spouse is to suggest to talk to another Christian couple or your pastor. The care and counsel given by those who know you and love you can bring significant help. If your spouse still is not open, consider getting counsel for yourself.

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MEDICATION AND DIAGNOSIS

Is taking medication for my anxiety reflect a lack of faith in God? Taking medication for anything, including medication for mental health struggles does not mean you lack faith. Sometimes it is actually an act of trusting God and believing that He can use medical help as one of the many ways to relieve suffering.

Should I share my mental health diagnosis with my pastor and small group leader? It is up to you. What I will say is that if you feel it would help you to have your pastor know and you trust that your personal information will be kept private then telling your pastor or small group leader can be one way the church can come along side you in caring for you.

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CHRONIC PAIN AND ILLNESS

My spouse deals with chronic pain. I am not always sure how to comfort or help him. Any suggestions? Let go of the urge to try and fix the problem, and offer a comforting presence instead. Listen and do your best to understand his experience and what it is like for him to live with chronic pain. Validate when things are hard and allow him to grieve. Offer Scripture and words of hope, but be careful to avoid unhelpful clichés.

How do you know if you are dealing with a chronic illness or if the issue is psychosomatic? Illness is considered psychosomatic when it is caused by stress or a mental health struggle. Many symptoms are caused by an underlying disease process and exacerbated by stress, anxiety, or depression, so often this dichotomy is unhelpful. Push for a physical diagnosis if your gut tells you there is one, but always look for strategies that address both the physical and mental causes of your symptoms.

Chronic pain is impacting my relationship with God. What should I do when chronic pain leads me to doubt or feel angry at him? It’s hard to understand why God allows chronic illness. Many times it feels meaningless and unfair. It is understandable when suffering impacts our relationship with God. The best thing you can do is go to him with your doubt, anger, and grief. Don’t stop approaching him, even when you are confused by what he’s doing.

How can I intentionally love someone who is in chronic pain but has a difficult personality? While it’s good to be mindful of how hard it can be to live with constant pain, chronic pain is not an excuse to be difficult. You can love this person like you might love anyone else: at times letting love cover a multitude of sins. Other times speaking the truth in love. It’s good to set boundaries and it’s also good to give grace. We can look to the Spirit’s leading to know how to respond in different situations.

How can God use chronic pain to work all things together for good? (Romans 8:28) Chronic pain often can’t be tied up into a pretty bow. Many times we can’t see what God is doing. Sometimes he is gracious to give glimpses of how he is working it for our good — we see him using it to get our attention, to sanctify us, to prepare us to comfort others, and to teach us and the people around us how to rely on him.

How can I believe God will heal me, but also exist in the reality that I haven’t been healed? Paul’s thorn in the flesh in 2 Cor. 12 suggests it’s more accurate to say that God can heal us, but sometimes chooses not to. This is a confusing and difficult reality that we can exist in by believing that even when we are not healed, God’s grace is sufficient to help us when we are weak.

Not a question, but it’s hard to trust God when dealing with this. It feels so unfair. It’s important to validate feelings like this. We need space to be able to say thoughts like this out loud without fear of judgment. It’s great that you shared. Don’t be afraid to keep processing those thoughts even if they feel uncomfortable.

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ANGER

What does it mean when the Bible says “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger?” Ephesians 4:26 says “Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the devil an opportunity.” It has been wrongly understood to mean you cannot go to sleep while you are angry with someone. Actually this verse is talking about what is often called righteous anger- “be angry and do not sin”. This verse calls us to not let right anger burn out. Don’t let the appropriate anger you have toward something fizzle out.

Do you have any good resources for someone struggling with sinful anger?

What are good ways to be angry but not sin? Avoid responding immediately when you are angry. Pray, seek the Lord, talk it through with a godly friend. Let your responses reflect James 1:19.

How do you recommend helping children process anger?

  • Model it well for them.
  • Help them to talk about what is making them angry. Listen well.
  • Talk through different options they have regarding how they respond.
  • Give them space to calm down.
  • Pray with them.

It is important to help kids to see the warning signs that they are getting angry. Talk with them and allow them to share with you what they think those signs might be. Help them think through ways to calm their anger when the signs start to show up.

How can you overcome anger? If your anger is sinful, overcoming it requires dependence on the Holy Spirit and a heart inclined to listen and obey. Like every sin, it reveals our need to be dependent on God and grow in the fruit of the Spirit. That happens day-by-day as we follow Jesus and live according to His word.

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SINGLENESS

I am aware that my loneliness as a single person makes others uncomfortable. How do you suggest I respond to that? Do not resign to thinking that others can’t handle your feelings. These thoughts lead to more isolation and discouragement. Instead, continue to reach out. Be courageous in your relationship and ask your friends if your situation is too much for them. You may be surprised that they are far less uncomfortable than you thought.

As a single person I am often just as busy if not more than some of my married friends. But during COVID I have had more time on my hands as all my social outlets have stopped. I volunteer regularly but I’m wondering what other suggestions you have for engaging this time well?

  • Stretch your social comfort zone in your own neighborhood. Intentionally make effort to get to know neighbors you have not yet met.
  • Write letters to distant friends who also live alone to encourage them with things that have helped you. Share a Scripture that has been particularly helpful to you.
  • Lean in to creativity. Pick up those creative projects that get pushed aside in the busier seasons of life. Or take time to savor the creativity of God in nature. Creating and creation can be life-giving outlets.

I am married and have children but want to better love the singles around me. What are some helpful suggestions? Call them! Take time to pick up the phone and talk with them. Tell them you love them. Let them know you have not forgotten them. Ask them how they are doing. If you have small children, have the kids draw pictures for your single friends and send them to them in the mail. These simple acts affirm they matter and are a vital part of the family of God.

How do I be a godly single parent? Model. Model. Model. Take every opportunity to bring your kids into your journey of faith. Let them see your dependence on God when you don’t know what to do. Show them how you lean on the Lord when you are feeling overwhelmed. Faithfully life your life before them, reading the Scripture, praying, listening to worship music when they are around and when they are not. Much of your faith will be caught not taught. Be passionate about Jesus.

How do I pray for spouse while being content in my singleness? Pray for the Lord to grow you in being fully satisfied in Him alone. Seek to embrace a spirit of “not my will but thine be done.” Pray for a deeper trust in God to provide all you need.

Why can’t I find someone that is willing to commit? Seems like commitment is always an issue. Our culture promotes options and marriage is a cutting off of options. Though it may be harder to find people who will commit, there are still people out there who value making a promise and living the rest of their life by that promise. In the meantime, strive to be the person you hope to one day meet.

How do I find God’s will for a marriage partner? The best marriage partner is the person whose love for God is the most prominent character of their life. Is Jesus first in their life? If not, don’t settle.

What are the best ways to maximize singleness?

  • Keep a heart of contentment. This will allow you to look at the opportunities God has set before you rather than living life waiting for things to change.
  • Deepen your commitment to serve. There are far less restrictions on single people to serve. Maximize your availability.
  • Enjoy where God has you. Know that you are a needed a valuable person in the family of God. You do not need a spouse to be more useful.

What are practical ways young men can begin to establish quality habits that wives appreciate? The best habits to pursue are habits that grow your faith and promote a lifestyle of self-sacrifice. These habits will bless any future relationship not just a marriage.

How do you pursue a friend who only sees you as a friend? First, love the person by respecting the limits of the relationship. Then make it your goal to be really good friend. Invest in the friendship without an agenda. The relationship may not turn into anything more but you will have a true friendship that will be a great treasure.

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GRIEF AND LOSS

How do you know when someone needs counseling for grief? Here are just a few indicators counseling may be needed:

  • Unrelenting depression
  • Uncontrollable crying
  • Feeling like life is meaningless
  • A regular lack of desire and motivation to do daily routines. Withdrawing from relationships.
  • Increased irritability and anger
  • Lack of support
  • Lack of caring for yourself
  • You engage in unhealthy coping like, distancing from others, using alcohol, food, or drugs to numb your grief.
  • Others are worried about you.

Can you share some helpful books on the topic of grief?

  • For All Who Grieve by Collin Smith
  • What Grieving People Wish You Knew by Nancy Guthrie
  • Grief, Walking With Jesus by Bob Kelleman
  • Suffering by Paul David Tripp

Being quarantined has left me feeling low, without energy, and less motivated. Is this grief? It could be, especially if you are missing engagement with friends and family. Grief can also come from how open ended this pandemic is. It creates a longing for something sure and safe. Leaning into the Lord is necessary. The Lord is a sure hope. Take some time to read the Psalms in the comments and pray through them to help you process.

What do you think about the “5 Stages of Grief”? Does a person have to go through all 5 stages in order to process grief? The 5 stages of Grief give us categories to understand a person’s experience. They are not a check list of steps. Some people do not go through all five stages and there are other experiences of grief not mentioned in the stages. One experience common in grief, and not mentioned in the 5 stages, is lament. The Bible gives many examples of lament during grief and loss. Check out: Psalm 22:24, Psalm 23, Psalm 27, Psalm 30:5, Psalm 34:18, Psalm 37:39, Psalm 73:26, and Psalm 147:3.

How can I minister/comfort/witness to a Christian who lost a non-Christian loved one? This question deserves a more in depth answer than what may be able to shared here. This short video clip answers it so well and gives the detail needed to such an important question. Please take a look. https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/comfort-when-unbeliever-dies/

What does it mean that God will restore what we have lost? God’s restoration is not the return of everything lost but giving us something far better. In Jesus we have the hope that all that was lost because of sin, rebellion, selfishness, mistreatment, and death, will be swallowed up when we are with God in heaven. And that will never be taken away. The short-term loss of this world will be exchanged for long-term gain when we see Jesus.

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ADDICTION

My brother is addicted to pain meds and alcohol. He has lost his job and his wife because of the addiction. He needs help but doesn’t follow through. What can I do? His recovery will need to be his decision but you can love him well by providing direction. Encourage counseling and support groups. Emphasize total sobriety. Suggest plans for accountability. But he must ultimately take the steps toward surrender. Avoid enabling and set healthy boundaries for yourself. Pray continually that the Lord will open his eyes to see that his need is greater than sobriety.

My husband struggles with porn addiction. Should I be holding him accountable? Why/Why not? It would be better for your marriage if you and your husband agreed on someone else who could provide accountability for him. Pick someone you both trust. This takes the burden off you to police his behavior and allows you to avoid further hurt associated with relapse.

I drink alcohol regularly. How do I know if it is an addiction? Answering “yes” to any of these questions may indicate your drinking is a problem:

  • Is your drinking causing problems in your relationships?
  • Have you lied about your drinking?
  • Has your drinking gotten you into trouble?
  • Do you hide your drinking or drink in secret?
  • Have you tried to stop or cut back but find within a 2-3 days you are back to your normal drinking?
  • When you stop drinking are you easily irritated or generally don’t feel well?
  • Are you annoyed by other people’s inquiries about your drinking?
  • Do you justify or rationalize your drinking? i.e. “I deserve it.”, “It was a long day.”

What are some practical steps Christians could take to get over smartphone addiction?NOTICE: Become aware of why you grab your phone. Are you avoiding something? Does it meet a need for comfort? Is it a distraction from anxiety, stress, or fear? Take those things to the Lord. Name them. Share them with a mentor or counselor.

PAUSE: Before you grab your phone take a moment take a breath. Is there something else you can do right now? Is this the best time to be on your phone? If others are in the room engage with them rather than your phone. Turn to the Lord rather than your phone and pray for help to fight temptation.

CHOOSE: Make a different choice than turning to your phone. Choose to be present wherever you are. Choose to delete apps that draw you in with little thought.

USE: Use your phone for the glory of God. If you are tempted to zone-out on your phone, occupy your phone by using it to listen to encouraging music or a sermon. If you cannot put it to good use then put it away. Find a place where you can store it where it is out of sight. Turn it off.

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MARRIAGE

What if my spouse won’t talk about our relationship struggles? Try asking questions rather than bringing up the issues. Make sure your questions honest inquiries about how they are doing and feeling. Don’t push a conversation about their answers to your question. Listen and then thank them for sharing. This opens to door for future conversations and shows you are genuinely interested in how they are doing. It is also a marital application of Philippians 2:4.

We really need time together but can’t get much time alone right and can’t get a sitter. Any suggestions on stay-at-home date night ideas?

  • Set up a small table for two somewhere other than your normal dining area (maybe in front of the fireplace or a window). Light candles and play relaxing music. Wait until the kids are in bed and have a late night dinner together for two.
  • Play a game together. You can set the kids up with their own game or wait until after they are in bed.
  • Get dinner delivered and have an outdoor picnic with just the two of you. Get the kids involved by letting them eat first then have them be your servers. They can show you to your seating (a blanket on the ground). Let them bring you your food and drinks.
  • Read an enjoyable book together out loud. Set a time each week when you will pick back up on the book. If the kids are around, let them listen too or they can read their own books.
  • Here is a website with several stay-at-home date ideas

My husband and I disagree mostly about parenting. How can we reach unity when we both feel very strongly about our convictions in parenting? Parenting is a common area where spouses differ. The goal in these differences is not to conform one parent to the other’s view but instead to see how these differences are part of God’s design. Your children need both your husband’s and your different approach. You may not always agree on what to do but you should agree to respectfully consider one another’s reasoning in making parenting decisions. Look for ways you can validate what he offers. Validation does not mean you fully agree, it means you understand why his decision is important to him.

I feel hopeless in my marriage. My teenage daughter is a listening ear and even offers helpful wisdom for me when I am frustrated. I know people say you shouldn’t talk about your spouse to your kids but is this always bad?  She seems to bring good perspective and she knows us both well. Using your kids as a sounding board for your marital issues can be very hurtful to your kids. Kids want to be there for their parents and will listen but sharing your marriage struggles puts them in a difficult place. They commonly feel responsible for their parents struggles and when you use them as your support they now have the weight of solving the marital problems. This also pits your child against their own parent and adds a significant measure of anxiety to their life. If you have no one to talk to, reach out to your pastor and ask them if they can connect you to someone who would be willing to talk to you and pray with you as you face these struggles.

How do you know when you need to see a marriage counselor? One of the best ways to know it is time to see a counselor is when you feel stuck. The two of you can no longer get anywhere in your attempts to resolve conflict. Some other indicators that outside help is needed are:

  • Others encourage counseling. Listen to the suggestions of friends and family if they are suggesting you see a counselor it is probably needed.
  • Your children are being impacted. Your kids will react to your marital conflict and can serve as a barometer for how bad things really are. If there is conflict in your marriage and you begin to see your kids struggle, it is time to get help.
  • Seek help anytime there is adultery or addiction presenting in the relationship.
  • You feel hopeless or apathetic. Those are signs the marriage is in a very bad place. Don’t wait, get help.
  • Abuse. You should not engage in marriage counseling if abuse is taking place but a marriage counselor can help direct you to the appropriate counseling until your marriage is in a place where couples counseling can begin.

My spouse is not interested in doing counseling. Is there any other ways to improve our marriage? Yes. Fixing relationships with one another starts with focusing on your relationship with God. Our vertical relationship with God will always be reflected in our horizontal relationships with one another.

How can single people find marriage in a world where many don’t value commitment? No easy answer. Use what you see in those who do not value commitment as a RED FLAG! Avoid those relationships. Know that there are still good and godly people out there who do value commitment. In the meantime surround yourself with people who will encourage you to hang in there and not settle.

How do you know it is the right time to get married? A few things to ask about your relationship before you move toward marriage:

  • Are you both following Jesus? (Equally yoked?)
  • Are you connected to a local church?
  • Are you both regularly in the Word?
  • Do you trust one another?
  • Are you willing to grow and change?
  • Have you talked about your past?
  • Have you talked about money?
  • Are you ready to lovingly join yourself to another family? (In-laws)
  • Have you discussed expectations for married life? (Roles, children, sex, etc.)
  • Do your parents or godly leaders/mentors affirm your relationship and  your desire to move toward marriage?

The thought of marriage scares me – big changes, lifetime commitment. How should I deal with that? There is a certain amount of healthy trepidation when thinking about marriage. The best way to deal with your fear is to assess it and see if there is a reason why you should be concerned about the relationship. If there are reasons, push pause.

Is it ever okay to leave a spouse due to infidelity? Infidelity breaks the marriage covenant  and should be taken very seriously. Every situation is unique but the decisions you make should not be made alone. Bring your pastor into this conversation right away. Talk to trusted friends who know you both. Pursue a biblical marriage counselor asap.

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PARENTING IN A PANDEMIC

My teen is pushing back on social distancing. How can I help him get on board with the restrictions? Empathy goes a long way here. Let teens know you see how hard it is for them to have so little contact with friends right now. Encourage them that they are protecting their family and their friends by staying home. Encourage them that this is temporary and you too look forward to them being able to see their friends again.

Any suggestions on breaking up the monotony of the day for my kids now that they are home all day? Break up the day into categories of activity. Use the PEPS acronym (Productivity, Exercise, Pleasure, Social). P= school, chores, creative activities. E= play outside, YouTube exercise clips, walks. P= play and activity the child enjoys. S= connecting virtually with friends, texting, calling, Facetime, online games with friends. Having times you do things together (work and play) and times when the kids do these things independently can also break up the day.

I would love for my kids to think of others during this time. Any suggestions? Write letters to family members or friends who may be alone right now. Make cards for nurses and doctors and send to local hospitals.  Make care packages to set them out for those who deliver the mail and pick up your trash and recycling. Include a pair of rubber gloves and a mask in care packages.

My kids are googling info on the virus throughout the day. I don’t feel it is healthy. Any help? Consider drawing the parallel of how only eating junk food or candy is tempting, tastes good, and makes you want more, but eventually will make you sick if that is all you eat. Help them connect that just as they need to put healthy food into their body, they must put healthy thoughts in their minds. Philippians 4:8 tells us the “healthy” things we need to put in our minds.

How can I help my 8 year dealing with fear of getting sick and/or dying? My children are preoccupied with the fear of getting sick. How can I alleviate their fears? Reassure your children that your family is doing all you can to keep them safe and share some facts. For instance, children are recovering from this. Remind them that medical care is helping people. Limit exposure to news and adult fears. Share only age appropriate information. Help them focus on the present. Remind them that right now we are healthy, and we are doing things to stay healthy. Anxiety will pull them away from the reality that they are OK right now. Stay in the right now. Embrace the opportunity to talk to your children about death. These are gospel opportunities for you to help them understand the reality that we all need to be ready to die. Talk to the about what Jesus accomplished and the promise of eternal life in Him. Read to them about heaven.

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STRESS

The video mentioned journaling the Word to help with stress. Please share some journal prompts to help me engage the Word? The Psalms are a great journal prompt. You can use MAPS (Memorize, Apply, Pray, Share) as a guide to journal through a psalm. Refection questions are also good prompts. Here are a few: What did the psalm tell you about God and His character?  How are your feelings reflected in the psalmist’s words? How does the psalmist respond? What might your response to your circumstances be in light of the truth of who God is?

I live with unbelievers who are often pretty negative. This adds to my stress. What can I do since I am with them all day now? How you think about someone fuels how you respond to them. Let Philippians 4:8 guide your thinking. Try starting your day with prayer for them and ask God to bring to mind all the ways they are a blessing to you.

Finances are causing me stress. I can’t control the situation. How can I deal with the stress that brings? Author David Powlison states, “Most of the noise in our souls is generated by our attempts to control the uncontrollable.” The Lord tells us to take our cares to Him because he cares for us (1 Peter 5:7). This may change the situation but it changes the state of our hearts.

My stress shows up often in anger toward my family. I want to change. Any help? Anger is often a mask for other more vulnerable feelings such as fear or shame. Take time to reflect on what anger may be masking in your life. Bring it to the Lord then consider sharing it with a trusted friend. Ask for their help. Acknowledging there is a problem is certainly a great first step! Confess your wrong responses to the Lord and to those who it has hurt. Consider reading a book that addresses the sin of anger. Here are a couple titles: “A Small Book About A Big Problem” by Edward T. Welch and Good and Angry” by David Powlison

I tend to stress eat. Any help with that? The self-soothing comfort of food provides desired escape…but it’s temporary. Know that food is a “false refuge” that can’t bear the weight of our deepest emotions and stresses—only God can. Be intentional about when and how much you eat. Assess your emotional state before eating. Portion out what you will eat and put the rest away. Sit at the table to slow down and savor the flavors. Drink plenty of water. Don’t eat in front of a screen.

How do you get rid of physical pain that comes with stress? I can try to not be stressed so much but the physical pain remains. Try to find the emotion behind the symptom. Sometimes the physical symptom appears when emotion isn’t being expressed. Ask, what is the symptom trying to tell me about my emotional health? Work on that. *Note- It can be helpful to know that there is often a delay between the stress or other emotional factor being resolved and the pain resolving.

Is my stress level a reflection of my faith? The Bible talks about anxiety and worry without always relating it to faith or the lack of it. When stress is defined as a response to a threat, then it can be a normal response. Before going to the cross it was said that Jesus was greatly distressed (Luke 22:44). His agony was certainly not from lack of faith.

Is it a sin to be stressed? Again, stress can be a natural response to threat. However, how you react when stressed can be sin. What comes out of you when you are under pressure? The fruit of the Spirit, or the works of the flesh?

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ANXIETY

I am struggling with sleep right now due to anxiety. I don’t want to take medication. Any suggestions to help with this? Try listening to Scripture while you try and fall asleep. You can use our Bible reading plan in our church app or YouVersion for this. Avoid screens an hour before bed. Keep a regular bedtime routine- go to bed about the same time each night, read or listen to relaxing music while you settle in to bed. Pray, read the Bible, or journal before bed.

Can you recommend any resources (besides the Bible) for dealing with anxiety?  Books, articles, podcasts. In addition to the Bible these are helpful: Knowing God’s Peace: 31 Day Devotional by Paul Tautges, Visit ccef.org for biblically rich resources. Just type “anxiety” in the search box, and The Biblical Counseling Coalition.

What is the difference between anxiety and genuine concern for things? One difference is where it takes you. Anxiety distracts us from our faith and trust in God. Anxiety’s destination is away from God. Having a concern or care for something is not wrong when it leads us to entrusting those things to God (1 Peter 5:7).

How much does social media contribute to anxiety? It certainly can contribute especially depending on what you are viewing on social media. Using social media at night can cause difficulty in falling asleep which can increase anxiety.

What Scriptures would you use to fight fear of death? 1 Corinthians 15:54-55: When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? Romans 6:5: For if we have been united with him in the likeness of his death, we will certainly also be in the likeness of his resurrection. John 11:25-26: Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life.  Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” Psalm 34:4: I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

Is there a good form of anxiety? For example: Paul was anxious for the churches he planted. Good question- Paul said he was “anxious for the churches” (2 Cor.11:28) and he also said “be anxious for nothing” ((Phil 4:6). This may have been answered in a the previous question about anxiety vs. genuine concern. But for further reading this may help

Can you share any tips for dealing with panic attacks without medication? Panic attacks are different than normal anxiety in that they come on fast and have significant physical symptoms. Here are a  some tips: 1. Recognize it is a panic attack and it will not last. It will pass. 2. Breathe! The technique in today’s video is key in relieving panic attacks. 3. Engage your body in a grounding exercise like squeezing a ball or gently tossing a small soft object back and forth to someone. This pulls your brain away from the panic. 4. Distraction can be helpful. But, distract with things that are calming. Ask someone to read Scripture to you aloud or pray aloud for you. Psalm 46:1 is a powerful verse to hear when panic hits. *It is wise to consult your doctor if you experience a panic attack.

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